The Freedom of Happiness

As I continue to attend meetings, I am reminded of the promise of a new happiness. It has got me thinking, have I ever really been happy?

Growing-up in such a large family, I had to find my place,who I was in the crowd. As I grew up I became known as the one in the family who had a great smile, who was kind to everyone and got along with everyone. In reality, I was in a lot of pain. I was sad, angry, confused, alone, and depressed; yet I kept a smile on. I grew-up in a family that didn't talk about feelings, I was never taught or was modeled how to name feelings and to be okay with a whole array of feelings. In essence, my smile saved me. It got me through hard times. I was able to hide behind it and hope that no one wold see the real me. Just like alcohol did for awhile, it helped me to handle emotions and feelings that I alone couldn't handle. It helped me to feel comfortable in the skin that I was in. Until one day it all stopped working for me and it became my enemy rather than my savior. While I was deep in my addiction, my loved ones would often say "we just want the old Sarah back..." what they didn't know, because I never told them, is that the old Sarah was in a lot of pain and the smile she wore was a mask to cover up her misery.

Today, I still struggle with talking about my emotions. I fall back into old habits of putting on a smile and saying that I am great, when in reality I am not. I am happy because I am sober, but I am sad that this is the path that I had to take to find myself in this world. I know these feelings will change as my life in sobriety continues on and I find my genuine smile I had as an innocent child. Today, I can model for my children genuine happiness as well as sadness and tell them it's OK to be sad and let them shed a tear and feel safe in doing so.

This is why I look forward to each day of sobriety, because the promises that have come true in so many alcoholics lives like the freedom of happiness is one that is worth staying sober for.

What does happiness look like for you?