Recovery Rocks

Higher Power

2010-01-15T06:37:00.000-08:00

For years I have struggled with the concept of a Higher Power. I grew-up in a Catholic church where my God was a punishing God. If I ate more than a half an hour before Sunday mass I had sinned, if I laughed during church I was condemned, if I fought with my sisters like children do I was "sentenced" to ten Hail Mary's! So who is this God that I was forced to believe in as a child and how could ? This was a very confusing way to grow-up and was been a great challenge for me in my recovery; to find a God of my understanding who can restore me to sanity.

Through the program, and my church family, I have developed a Higher Power who I can freely turn my will and my life over to on a daily basis. He is patient, He is understanding, He is there anytime I p ray or need to ask for guidance. He does not judge, and He has plans for me that are far greater than any plan I have had and/or could possible have for myself.

Today, I have a God that is all loving. A God that does not punish but who forgives. A God who is there for me without boundaries and without exceptions. Each morning I ask God to remove the obsession I have to drink, to be with me in my journey throughout the day; and if I find myself caught-up in the internal battle to drink or sin I ask God for guidance and to protect me. I simple say sometimes once or sometimes repeatedly thy will be done. And at night, I thank God and praise Him for giving me another day of sobriety.

How did you come to believe in a Power Greater than yourself?

This road is long and difficult!

2009-11-20T19:19:00.000-08:00

One step, one moment, and the next and it's step and it's moment; how the simple life brings freedom!

Life

2009-11-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

There are changes, and we take them in stride. When it seems overwhelming, we look at all the blessings in life. All my sisters and brothers, and most importantly my daughters. As I gaze up into the hillside I see how blessed I am; to be living in a beautiful world. One momemt in this day, take a look around, and see just how blessed you are.

The Space Between The Leaves

2009-10-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

As I spend quality time with my five and three year-old daughters, I am reminded of the simple beauty and tranquility in life.

It is easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. Kids need to be at this place at this time, there are appointments and parties to attend, paying bills and various other stresses. We rush by not taking time to notice the gifts God has blessed us with. Like the space between the leaves.

Have you ever sat outside and gazed into the horizon and looked through the leaves in a tree? We often look at a tree as an entire entity not noticing the beautiful space between each leaf. Things look differently when you focus on that small space, the tree has a different life to it and it gets your mind thinking in a different way. It is quiet a great meditation to do as well.

It was the wisdom of a five-year-old that prompted me to pay attention to such beauty. Being depressed and self medicating with alcohol I clearly never noticed even a gorgeous sunset let alone the space between the leaves of a tree. Today I have discovered another blessing of sobriety, the space between the leaves and how blessed I am to be able to see and appreciate it.

Just for today I will pay attention to the smallest of God's gifts that we are blessed with each and every day.

The Freedom of Happiness

2009-10-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

As I continue to attend meetings, I am reminded of the promise of a new happiness. It has got me thinking, have I ever really been happy?

Growing-up in such a large family, I had to find my place,who I was in the crowd. As I grew up I became known as the one in the family who had a great smile, who was kind to everyone and got along with everyone. In reality, I was in a lot of pain. I was sad, angry, confused, alone, and depressed; yet I kept a smile on. I grew-up in a family that didn't talk about feelings, I was never taught or was modeled how to name feelings and to be okay with a whole array of feelings. In essence, my smile saved me. It got me through hard times. I was able to hide behind it and hope that no one wold see the real me. Just like alcohol did for awhile, it helped me to handle emotions and feelings that I alone couldn't handle. It helped me to feel comfortable in the skin that I was in. Until one day it all stopped working for me and it became my enemy rather than my savior. While I was deep in my addiction, my loved ones would often say "we just want the old Sarah back..." what they didn't know, because I never told them, is that the old Sarah was in a lot of pain and the smile she wore was a mask to cover up her misery.

Today, I still struggle with talking about my emotions. I fall back into old habits of putting on a smile and saying that I am great, when in reality I am not. I am happy because I am sober, but I am sad that this is the path that I had to take to find myself in this world. I know these feelings will change as my life in sobriety continues on and I find my genuine smile I had as an innocent child. Today, I can model for my children genuine happiness as well as sadness and tell them it's OK to be sad and let them shed a tear and feel safe in doing so.

This is why I look forward to each day of sobriety, because the promises that have come true in so many alcoholics lives like the freedom of happiness is one that is worth staying sober for.

What does happiness look like for you?

Do You Get On Your Knees To Pray?

2009-10-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

I heard last night that sex is a lot like praying, it doesn't matter how you do it as long as you make contact....

This got me thinking, if I have a conscious contact with my Higher Power (God) then do I really need to be on my knees to pray or talk with him? When I had my last drink, I fell to my knees and begged God to please lift this obsession or let me drink myself to death, because the pain I was in and the pain I knew I caused my loved ones was far too much for me to handle.

I wise man once told me, each night put your shoes far underneath your bed. He said, and while you are down their on your knees, thank God for another day of sobriety. And when you get dressed in the morning and you go to pull those shoes out from underneath your bed, pray that God gives you another day sober. You'll be on your knees morning and night, reminding you to pray for your sobriety and be thankful for the gift of sobriety.

While my sponsor suggests I do the same (get on my knees to pray), I feel there are times throughout my day that I just need to shout out to God and say help. I could be in a grocery store, in the shower, or at the park with the kids. In my humble opinion, I think God is listening no matter where or when you need to talk to Him. However, I needed to fall to my knees to get sober, and Praise the Lord He was listening that day.

Today, I will do as my sponsor and those who had gift of sobriety before me did and get on my knees to pray, and thank God for another day of sobriety.

How do you pray just to make it today?

Keep it Simple!

2009-10-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

This is an expression you hear in the program at nearly every AA meeting keep it simple. So what does it mean? How can a person who has created so much wreckage in her life and the lives of those she loves begin to fathom keeping it simple?

I received an email from a sober sister who understands how difficult the journey of recovery can be. However, she ended her short but inspiring email by stating " ...but it can be simple!" There again appears the word simple. Dictionary.com describes simple as: "easy to understand, deal with, use, etc.: a simple matter; simple tools."

What a simple definition for such a seemingly complicated and loaded word. It works, I know it does, I have been privilege to dozens of AA members receiving their 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 year sobriety chips. As I ponder how they have made it, it dawned on me, these sober people before me have packaged their lives, without first intoxicating their mind, body and soul with alcohol, into 24-hour segments, wherein they used the tools the program to the best of his/her ability. Simple stated, they did it by not drinking one day at a time.

So why did I struggle for so long to keep it simple? Because I confused simple with easy. These ideas are not synonymous in fact they are oxymoron's. Getting and staying sober doesn't come without work and effort. Keep it simple has to do with the emotional and spiritual part of the program. The action part requires a great deal of work and dedication. Like anything in life it works if you work it. Today, I am going to keep it simple and thank God for another day of sobriety.

Whether you are an addict or not, how do you keep it simple on a day-to-day basis?

Fear

2009-10-19T12:22:00.000-07:00

I was at a 12 step meeting last night and I was finding myself focusing on anything and everything but the message that was being shared. I was distracted by the adults next to me whispering to one another like school aged children, the person in front of me continuously text messaging, and me simple building a resentment against the gracious speaker because the she was caught up in her "drunk-a-log." Then I paused, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe and asked God to help me focus and hear what I needed to hear; and I did.

This woman with over 25 years of sobriety said, "Fear is thinking about all you have lost or about what you may never have in future." While I could relate to little else she shared I could relate to this concept of Fear.

I was deep in my addiction to alcohol for three years. My losses started out relatively small. Than they increased as my addiction continued. With each loss came more fear: "will I ever get my car back, my house back, my husband back, my kids back? " Yes, it would seem I have lost it all. And each moment I got stuck in that thinking I got drunk again and inevitably a greater loss followed. I can see now that I was stuck in fear, fearing what was and what may never be.

When that thinking comes up for me I must do what I did in the 12 step meeting when I was distracted, pause, close my eyes and ask God to guide my thinking and focus on what is true for me today. And today what is true for me is that I am: sober, I have a disease, I am smart, I am a good person, I have two beautiful children who desire nothing more than a healthy mom, and remind myself I don't have to drink just for today.

What do you do when you find yourself distracted or caught up in fear?