I was at a 12 step meeting last night and I was finding myself focusing on anything and everything but the message that was being shared. I was distracted by the adults next to me whispering to one another like school aged children, the person in front of me continuously text messaging, and me simple building a resentment against the gracious speaker because the she was caught up in her "drunk-a-log." Then I paused, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe and asked God to help me focus and hear what I needed to hear; and I did.
This woman with over 25 years of sobriety said, "Fear is thinking about all you have lost or about what you may never have in future." While I could relate to little else she shared I could relate to this concept of Fear.
I was deep in my addiction to alcohol for three years. My losses started out relatively small. Than they increased as my addiction continued. With each loss came more fear: "will I ever get my car back, my house back, my husband back, my kids back? " Yes, it would seem I have lost it all. And each moment I got stuck in that thinking I got drunk again and inevitably a greater loss followed. I can see now that I was stuck in fear, fearing what was and what may never be.
When that thinking comes up for me I must do what I did in the 12 step meeting when I was distracted, pause, close my eyes and ask God to guide my thinking and focus on what is true for me today. And today what is true for me is that I am: sober, I have a disease, I am smart, I am a good person, I have two beautiful children who desire nothing more than a healthy mom, and remind myself I don't have to drink just for today.
What do you do when you find yourself distracted or caught up in fear?
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About Me
- A Grateful Alcoholic
- I am a 28 year old women with two daughters ages 5 and 3. Over the past three years I have been struggling with the disease of alcoholism. I have lost a lot including my marriage and the trust and respect of many. The shame and guilt over what I have lost has kept me in my disease. Today is a new day. I am going to focus on what I have vs. all I've lost. I hope that just one person out there finds this blog and that it helps them to gain the courage to overcome this great battle because it is a we program and together we can stay sober. The promises for you and I can come true one day at a time if we work for them.
Just great to get this today... You have my full support as you find your way... i look forward to seeing your recovery and hope that each day is a good one...We love you Sarah
ReplyDeleteif there is one thing that has been continually shown to me in my life it is that God or "greater conciousness; higher power; universal love", etc never leaves. the only way to cut the cord is to drink and use. when i take my inventory i see the pattern of my drinking--and in sobriety acting out on my character defects- and i see that it is rooted in fear, it is motivated by fear. Fear (3) types
ReplyDelete* i am going to loose something i have
* i am not going to get what i want
* people wont like me
these fears are rooted in my self centeredness, for at times i am unable to see beyond my own perception, my will, which in itself is limited. Self centeredness being a total reliance on self- I am not relying or asking for help from God or anyone for that matter. And as evidence has proven when i rely only on myself--and i am Unreliable as a drunk! then my life becomes unmanagable, and when i feel it is unmanagable i try to manage it further through drugs and alcohol and therein lies the problem.
but when i let go..that is, when i relinquish the death grip i have on everything (in order to control it and the outcome--ironically this causes me more pain and loss) not only is it a relief that i dont have to do everything, but as a result my trust ignites in my HP, for it will be illustrated before me that at the end of the day things worked out for the better, much better than i could ever plan. the universe gives more options, creates more beauty and connections than i am capable of. my vision is limited. that is why i am not God.
If i do the right thing, all of my fears will quiet down for i will be richly rewarded for making sane choices and excersising my will in a way that is alligned with God. "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact w God, praying ONLY for the knowledge of HIS WILL FOR US and the power to carry it out." The easiest way to find out Gods will for you is to help somebody else.
Isaiah 41:10
ReplyDelete"FEAR NOT, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand."
Simple = go to meetings to listen to whoever speaks. Enjoy a coffee.
ReplyDelete